Our first & only real vacation together as a family! |
Chemo ended close to Jason’s birthday that year, so for me
it meant a lot that we had him done with chemo and that well, we had him. Even
when Jason said to me, “I’m not going to die from cancer,” worry tore through
me each time I saw him in those chemo chairs tied up to those machines, or even
in the happy times, playing with Maddy – wondering every time just how many of
those times we had left. My mind did go there from time to time and it killed
me to think about what would happen to Maddy, to us, to me - without him. My
heart still breaks when I think about it. And I’ll be honest - it still goes
there from time to time. Unfortunately.
En route to Disney - we took the long way! |
It was a wonderful spring. We spent time with family and
friends and Jason let his hair grow back. We involved ourselves in church, in
the community, and in having fun… and we planned for that Disney trip. Jason
was able to go to work symptom free for a while, and I was able to end the
school year without the stress of making sub plans every other week in preparation
for his treatments or without worry or the pressure of having a sick husband at
home to take care, or so I thought.
So glad we had these memories. |
Eventually I had to speak and tell. Telling made it real.
Real made it awful.
The next few weeks Jason may as well have been abducted by
aliens, he was poked and prodded so many times. His next step was a biopsy of
the lung and then a number of other scans and tests. It was necessary to
determine where that little spot came from – was it metastasized from the colon
cancer or was it newly developed lung cancer? Dr. Rapson wanted an MRI of his brain to check
for possible tumors there – a scary thought to be sure, and a few other tests
to be certain he was clean, that there were no other tumors anywhere else in
his body.
I've said it before and I’ll say it again – the wait that
comes with cancer is dreadful! At this time we were waiting for so much at one
time. We hoped that the cancer wasn't a new one, for if it was it seemed
anything was possible. We prayed that there was nothing growing in his brain (I
tried to tell them the answer to that one!) and we had faith that nothing new
was in his colon or surrounding organs. But still, the wait was insane!
In my life, only a few times have I melted to the floor in
sobbing tears. Because of Jason’s illness and this life we've been living, I've
shed many tears – plenty of times I have just cried and cried. I've cried silently,
I've blubbered tears of stress, I have wept with Maddy, with Jason, with family
and friends, and plenty of times I've suddenly burst into tears - letdown from it all, I suppose. I have held
many back as I have cared for him and cared for Maddy. It is amazing how a
person is able to wipe tears away when a job needs to get done, saving them for
later. But when Jason called me to tell me that his brain was clear, there were
no tumors, I got off the phone with him and sobbed. There was a weight on my
shoulders that when I sat down and let it out – it all came out, in great, big
sobbing waves of tears. It was such a relief!
Involving ourselves in everything! |
Within days we found out that Jason’s tumor was quite small,
barely able to even have biopsied. Nevertheless, it was and it was cancer. The results were in
his favor as far as cancer goes, I suppose. As it turns out the colon cancer
had metastasized and made its way up to his lung. Darn cancer. The other good
news was there were no other tumors to be found. And something had to be done and the quicker the better.
Once again our life would be turned upside down all thanks to cancer.